Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners