Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Girl, same.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.