Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.