Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.