ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
mom gave me mine for free
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end