Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

ok this is my dumbest yet

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.