Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Wikigenius

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he