Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.