Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
i hate you platonically
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.