Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.