Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.