Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

🙄😏😂🤣

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined