Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Important

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.