Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Awesome parenting 😂

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.