Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.