Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?