Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Seems legit.
Tastes like chicken.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics