Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Skip intro

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?