@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

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@mamba_bad

I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

@daemonic3

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

@TheWoodenslurpy

Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

@AaronCSU54

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?