Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

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Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle


I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.


Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.


Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*


Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here


What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.


[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Me: Next!


My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.


Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit


My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole