Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.