@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

You Might Also Like

@NicestHippo

Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle

@Adar79Angie

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

@stockejock

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@AbrasiveGhost

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.

@girl_a_whirl

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

@revious

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole