Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
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I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Seize the day!
*Sees the day, goes back to bed*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?