Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Never be a pizza!
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level