me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
dictator is short for richard potato
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Admin smashed it 😂
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?