Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the baby who has everything

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”