Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

I’m sure it’s fine.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life