Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only say stupid things when I talk.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

How do I get a job writing these texts

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I’m listening