Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket