Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
When can I start eating bats again.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.