Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Story of my life…..

I would like even faster food.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.