Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.