Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.