Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Good morning ☺️

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.