Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

what’s really going on

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.