Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
want me to check your oil?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.