Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

ㅤ

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.