Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I bet birds love this building.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Who called it baking and not making love
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.