Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.