Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.