It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning