Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Yup.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”