me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.