Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who