Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see