Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
i now pronounce you bounced.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
britain’s three elite institutions
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.