Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99