Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.