Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This story is comedy gold 😂

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

You had me at “define legal”.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

I hope this email finds you in a well

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.