Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
You Might Also Like
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.