Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.