ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.