ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Why font matters.
