ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.