Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.