Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.