Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.