Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…
*therapist scribbles furiously*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
Don’t tell me what to do.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.