@mommajessiec
@nbadag
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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@nbadag
@Douchekevin
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.
I think she’s just found my twitter account
@joeyfullystated
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
@thatUPSdude
You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?
@LoveNLunchmeat
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
@jonnysun
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
@ZachWeiner
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
@tomrrllc
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
@Michael1979
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
@LegoGodzilla
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.