Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft


The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse


is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies


It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.


Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.


Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.


I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.