@mommajessiec
@AdamBroud Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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@AdamBroud 
@EndhooS Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
@ShittyComedian Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
@GuyThe_Guy Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.
@thevickster_sa You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
@Marlebean {marriage counseling}
I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…
*therapist scribbles furiously*
@thenatewolf *Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
@JustHadOneJob Don’t tell me what to do.
@fatherofcomedy I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.