@mommajessiec

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

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@AdamBroud

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.