@mommajessiec

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

You Might Also Like

@nbadag

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

@Douchekevin

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@LoveNLunchmeat

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@ZachWeiner

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

@Michael1979

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

@LegoGodzilla

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.