why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”