Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”

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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe


My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd


Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.


I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.


You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you


*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!


*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*


[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.


Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.


(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
Macbeth wtf!!
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage