Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.