Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?