Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
that’s really how it is
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.