Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Cinematography is my passion
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?