Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You Might Also Like
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
same energy
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?