Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.