Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

getting groceries

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

man: wait

time: no

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.