Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“HELP WITH CAT”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird