Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands