Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
the red hot silly peppers
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-