Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.