Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?