Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

When you’re here for the treats.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

As the Lord intended

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…