Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.