Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Bringing home a sharpie
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe