Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Isn’t
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Spa day..😅
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
