Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Hit me in the face with a bird

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.