Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

🐟✨ #re4

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

how to market bottled water to dads

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

#KarenAndTheCat 😉