Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*limbos away from your hug*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.