Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.