Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

79.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.