Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman