Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers